My mom only has one plan for my three-week back-to-China trip: finding me an ideal husband. A month before I dragged my luggage to Logan Airport, she already has three candidates lined up: my high school teacher introduced a former student of her colleague - imaging how my teacher received a call from my mom one day, seven years after the final class I took with her, asking for this special favor; words got around in the campus that Ella is looking for a husband, then the colleague, from the next building(!) suggested a candidate; phone calls were made, candidate was chosen and this awkward date was set up.
The second candidate is introduced by my mom's former patient - and the process is no less embarrassing. Apparently, my mom (a head nurse) was complaining to the nurses in her office about my lack of initiative to find her a son-in-law, and one of the nurses relayed the information when their former patients came to visit. After a Eureka moment, one of the patients suggested that her nephew, whom she hasn't seen for 2 years, would be a perfect husband candidate for the head nurse's daughter she has never met.
And the third one is the son of my aunt-in-law's brother's co-worker's cousin. I won't even attempt to know how this connection is made.
The very fact that my mom went through all these layers of connections to find me an ideal husband spoke of the zeal Chinese mothers put in matchmaking.
But there is more. Almost all of my closest girl friends have been in my shoes before. They, like me, plunged into some of the best high education China has to offer and came out capable and independent. They are no longer the mommy's girls that would nod to whoever comes along offering a warm apartment and a stay-at-home life. This doesn't mean that the guys don't market themselves that way though - as many as "gold-worshipper girls" (bai jin nu), there are guys who ask girls out by saying "I have a monthly salary of ... I have my own house and a car". A friend of mine rejected two such guys in one day, and now she is still single.
Han Jun Wei's set of photos depicted the unsatisfying dating choices "new Chinese women" face, but the truth is that as much as my girl friends pick and choose and toss away their suitors, there are many guys who do not like the new generation of Chinese women. My friends have told me that their previous match-making dates had stopped contacting them after the first date because they (the girls) "have their own opinion" (you zhu jian) - they are not the traditional Chinese beauties that rely entirely on her husband in every way, without an independent mind to speak of.
In 2008, female college graduates amounts to 52.96% of total graduates, which means that the year 2008 alone created over 40 thousand more women with a college degree than men with the same degree, according to China Year Book 2009. All the while, China has a male surplus of 3% of the population, around 400 million more males than females in total. That is to say, if the Chinese women insist on only marrying men with equal or higher levels of education, and/or if the men demands superiority over women, mismatches would be the common theme in this generation's dating culture.
A gap is emerging between the Chinese men, many still have their heads rooted in the ancient patriarchy ideal of family and unable to accept an equally capable woman into "his" family, and the women, growing more successful, and independent than before and in some ways superior than men. I'm not sure if we'll see the "end of men" in China as Hanna Rosin predicts for the U.S. but things are not looking good for Chinese men to say the least - and if they cannot respect women's rising position in the society we are going to see way more sulky single men than the society may tolerate.
Alas, this is the story of how I'm deemed unmarriable.
8 comments:
Enjoyed this post and sad too. Many of my students are/will be in this situation and may "settle" due to parental pressure.
As in Singapore, as in Taiwan and Hong Kong, as in South Korea...
I would suggest "marry an educated professional foreign man" like my well-educated Chinese wife did. But, honestly, the USA, for example, has the same mismatch in college graduates (although not necessarily, well, ok just not, in as remunerative majors).
As a laowai residing in China, I have been a involuntary victim, ahem...witness of this generational clash. My ex-girlfriend's mother (and you can already guess why she is my ex now) did all she could to give us as hard time as possible, refusing to meet me on the sole basis of my ethnical belonging -I am Caucasian- and doing all she could to persuade her daughter -a genuine mommy's girl, in spite of her 28 years of age- that a white devil wasn't really the best choice(for whom between the two, I am still curious to find out).
I can only say that, according to my observation, most of the post-80s generation youth is still attached to more traditional family values, and tends to do whatever the families impose on them. But the newer generations, in particular the post-90s now, seem to be mostly insensitive to this kind of pressure. If this is going to materialize into a new social trend for China, triggering a radical social change, it's too soon to tell. However, I personally believe that values like love, feelings and happiness, along with a reasonable economic stability, should be the guiding principles for matchmaking, not mere calculations based on convenience and the opportunity to expand one's guanxi.
Otherwise it's gonna happen the same as to my American friend, who was proposed with these words: "This ring cost me 6000 dollars. Will you marry me?" by her -now ex, no wonder- Chinese boyfriend.
If you want to marry a Chinese, I suggest marrying a Shanghainese guy. Most of them have no problem with capable, intelligent women.
Of course, it is better to have no husband than to have a husband who does not respect you.
Tragically this disparity will probably give rise to greater violence against women in China.
And here's a serendipitous paper to back me up. Whether you agree with the cause or not, the trend of relatively fewer educated males has been a fact in the US for decades. Good luck, girls! Disclaimer: I may add that despite this trend, it in no way seemed to help me find a mate.
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